Today’s Caitlin Johnstone essay has been replaced by this breaking report by the National News Conglomerate. NNC: Obey.
Following shocking reports from The New York Times and The Washington Post that Moscow is simultaneously working to both re-elect Donald Trump and ensure the nomination of Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders in the Democratic presidential primary race, NNC has obtained further information confirming that nearly all candidates currently running for president are in fact covert agents of the Russian government.
According to sources familiar with the matter, the lone candidate not literally conducting espionage on behalf of the Russian government is Pete Buttigieg, the former mayor of South Bend, Indiana.
“Intelligence has revealed that Mr. Buttigieg is at this time the only candidate who we can count on not to place our nation’s interests square in the hands of Vladimir Putin,” an anonymous source in the Central Intelligence Agency told NNC on Saturday.
“In fact Mr. Buttigieg is the only candidate running with the skill, the experience and the multilingual relatability needed to bridge our nation’s deep divisions and bring Americans together in this time of uncontrolled hostility,” the CIA source continued.
“Because in truth, the unity of our togetherness is in the freedom of our democracy,” added the source.
“The long and winding road to the American flag was built upon the steps of our founding fathers. You don’t have to be a big shot Washington insider to see that the problems our nation faces are tearing us apart at our own peril with radical divisive rhetoric saying you need to burn down the establishment and voice a concrete foreign policy position. And that’s why I for one believe we don’t have to choose between revolution and the status quo: we can come together and find solutions that help the working class and billionaires.”
Experts say these new revelations on Russian election interference should consume one hundred percent of all news coverage for the entirety of 2020, and that Democrats should definitely spend all their time from now until November focusing solely on President Trump’s suspicious ties to the Russian government.
“I can’t think of a single thing that could possibly go wrong if Democrats focused exclusively on the possibility that the president conspired with Vladimir Putin in the lead-up to the election in November,” said Les Overton of the influential think tank Americans for an American America.
“If Democrats want to prevent another four years of Trump they should hit him where they know it hurts: nonstop 24/7 Russia conspiracy theories. That’s what Americans really care about.”
Asked if it’s possible that undue emphasis on Russian collusion could prove a fruitless endeavor given Trump’s soaring approval rating after impeachment resulted in his acquittal and the Mueller report failed to indict a single American for conspiring with the Russian government, Overton disagreed and said this time will be “like, totally different.”
“Democrats should definitely invest all of their mental and emotional energy in this Trump-Russia scandal, because this time it’s a sure thing,” Overton said.
“Put all your eggs in this basket and get your hopes up very, very high. The big BOOM is coming any minute now, I promise.”
Overton then departed with an envelope full of cash which he said was his life savings, reportedly to invest in lottery tickets.
* * *
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Yeah the Russians the Russians the Russians. You writers are a bunch of dumbasses!
The Democrats running for president aren’t Russian agents. They are just stupid!
This is surely SATIRE. If anything else, then it’s STUPID!
BUTTG is not a Russian agent, he’s an Iranian agent,
It’s ‘in jest’, to call attention to the ridiculousness of the demonrat-dingbats and dummy-crats.
The DNC is terrified of Bernie for all the same reasons they hate Trump. They both want to ‘drain the swamp’, but one wants to empower the people, the other wants cage the people. Either way, the establishment demons loose power, and with that loss of power — Income opportunities. They went to Washington to earn riches. Bernie wants them all to receive “equal pay”.
The ‘normal’ people across the country are sick to death of “RUSSIA!” “RUSSIA!” “RUSSIA!”.
Those same voters would rather vote for the lesser-of-two-evils; which would in this case be Trump. No one wants more taxes or regulatory control, not even the average Liberal. Liberals want all their social ‘stuff’, but they also want to keep their own money (they just like to spend OTHER PEOPLES money). Bernie’s Marxist agenda would effect EVERYONE. Not just the hated Republicans.
The DNC knows that Trump would be the better of the two, if there were just Sanders and Trump to choose from. They are sick to their stomachs that Bernie is coming out as the front-runner (even though he only represent about 10% of the whole country). They are desperately trying to figure out ways to keep him off the ticket in November. Logical voters will go for Trump. They may not like it, but at least he won’t ruin their financial future.
Sad thing is, the DNC has nothing to offer. They and their can’t-I-dates have over-played their hand with all the “Russia” mess, and their condemnation of Trump. They are realizing now, that they should have just folded their hand, and walked away from the table in 2016.
The only voter-masses the DNC is attracting is the immature, young, idealistic, mostly unemployed, poorly-educated, beta-males, alpha-females, gender-confused, entitled, spoiled, and lazy screamers; who need a parental government. Bernie is their parent figurehead.
I’m picturing in my mind Two Guys hugging and kissing in the Oval Office with reporters in attendance , then walking hand in hand out in the Rose Garden while making plans as to how to decorate for the Easter Egg hunt (If folks will allow their kids to participate) and who will be in attendance when the Christmas decorations go up if they will go up ! Lots and lots of Questions to be answered like negotiations with Foreign Leaders, Military Strength,Don Lemon salivating , and which partner will give Chris Matthew a thrill up his Leg,and will Anderson Cooper be at the reeady for advice on re-decorating ,oh and let’s not forget , Will the Lighting of the Dome have multi colors? Where will the “Rainbow Flag ” Fly ?
Flash-in-the-pan, flavor-of-the-month; just like Beto.
The country MIGHT be ‘tolerant’ of “two guys”, but there’s no way one would get enough votes to swing the electorates. Tolerance only goes so far . . .