Home Commentary Nine Reasons Why You Should Support Joe Biden For President

Nine Reasons Why You Should Support Joe Biden For President

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Authored by Caitlin Johnstone via Medium.com,

Former Vice President Joe Biden has released a video statement telling the American people that the accusations he is now facing of touching women in inappropriate ways without their consent is the product of changing “social norms”, assuring everyone that he will indeed be adjusting to those changes.

And thank goodness. For a minute there, I was worried Biden might cave under the pressure of a looming scandal and decline to run for president on the grounds that it could cripple his campaign and leave America facing another four years of Donald Trump. Here are nine good reasons why I hope Joe Biden runs for president, and why you should support him too:

1. It’s his turn.

It’s Biden’s turn to be president. He’s spent years playing second fiddle while other leading Democrats hogged all the limelight, and that’s not fair. He’s been waiting very patiently. Come on.

2. Most Qualified Candidate Ever.

If Joe Biden secures the Democratic Party nomination for president, he would be the Most Qualified Candidate Ever to run for office. His service as a US Senator and a Vice President has given him unparalleled experience priming him for the most powerful elected office in the world. Everything Biden has done throughout his entire career proves that he’d make a great Commander-in-Chief.

3. He’s closely associated with a popular Democratic president.

You think Biden, you think Obama. You think Obama, you think greatness. You can’t spend that much time with a great Democratic president without absorbing his greatness yourself. It’s called osmosis.

4. You liked Obama, didn’t you?

Biden was part of the Obama administration. Remember the Obama administration? It was magical, right? If you want more of that, vote Biden.

5. But Trump!

Do you want Trump to win the next election? You know he’ll shatter all our norms and literally end the world if he does, right? You should be terrified of the possibility of Trump winning in 2020, and if you are, you should want him running against Joe Biden. What’s the alternative? Nominating some crazy unelectable socialist like Bernie Sanders? Might as well just hand Trump the victory now, then. Anyone who wants to beat Trump must fall in line behind the Most Qualified Candidate Ever.

6. Iraq wasn’t so bad.

Okay, maybe some of his past foreign policy positions look bad in hindsight, but come on. Pushing for the Iraq war was what everyone was doing back in those days. It was all the rage. We all made it through, right? I mean, most of us?

7. This is happening whether you like it or not.

We’re doing this. We’re going to push Joe Biden through whether you like it or not, and we can do it the easy way or the hard way. Just relax, take deep breaths, and think about a nice place far away from here. Don’t struggle. This will be over before you know it. We’ll use plenty of lube.

8. Just vote for him.

Just vote for him, you insolent little shits. Who the fuck do you think you are, anyway? You think you’re entitled to a bunch of ponies and unicorns like healthcare and drinkable water? You only think that because you’re a bunch of racist, sexist homophobes. You will vote for who we tell you to or we’ll spend the next four years calling you all Russian agents and screaming about Susan Sarandon.

9. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

Honestly, what could possibly go wrong? It’s not like the Most Qualified Candidate Ever could manage to lose an election to some oafish reality TV star. Hell, Biden could beat Trump in his sleep. He could even skip campaigning in Michigan, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania and still win by a landslide, because those states are in the bag. There’s no way he could fail, barring some unprecedented and completely unforeseeable freak occurrences from way out of left field that nobody could possibly have anticipated.

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17 COMMENTS

  1. Biden didn’t know about a person’s personal space? If that’s the best you can come up with that’s sad. Americans have watched his groping for decades. He has used his position knowing people would be afraid to say anything with what’s been allowed to run a muck for decades since nasty Bush Sr . Funny Joe nobody returned your unwanted advances except nasty Hillary. Seems she rather liked it! If Joe is telling Americans he didn’t know about personal space then he is too dumb to even run for president nuch less be president! He saw what happened to Bill Clinton and still didn’t know? Horse crap! Horse crap! Say it ain’t so Joe! Just now learning that’s the best load to date. Nobody believes that! Seems he can’t keep his hands to himself ever no matter very young girls too and it’s all caught on tape. Joe Biden is creep and OLD! Like Cortez would say like that is like just like nasty uuuuhh like.

  2. Joe Biden is the most qualified pedophile in the US government. Many pictures have been taken of Joe kissing a little girl approximately 6 or 7 years old. Just like he will govern this country and not with my own granddaughters.

  3. A 10th reason is Biden’s son, Hunter, who will be at his elbow talking about Ukrainian matters and investment banking with the Chinese.

  4. Biden besides touching grown women and little girls is as dumb as a bag of rocks. He can not speak at any function without making some embarrassing gaff. He was VP because Obammy wanted someone who could be controlled and “locked” up like a child. His “friendly touching” is disturbing to watch especially with little girls. I watched him touch a 8 yr old across her chest. The little girl was visibly uncomfortable and tried to move away. There is no justification or excuse to explain that one away. Other Demoncrats may try and give him a pass BUT this time there is too much evidence of the “touchy feely hair smelling” behavior. It’s Joe’s fetish God love him.

  5. Nine reasons to support Joe Biden for President:
    1. He has hair
    2. He has his teeth
    3. Maintains his posture
    4. His clothes are well taken care of
    5. Memory of history doesn’t lent to embarrassing moments
    6. Doesn’t biologically soil himself when faced with a decision
    7. Ability to walk without tripping over his own feet
    8. Doesn’t claim to be a deity or have supernatural strengths or abilities
    9. Born in U.S. and can speak English

    • I am sure the female Secret Service agents don’t want to see his 76 year old shrivelled up nakedcm body in the pool.

  6. And the ONE big reason for Joe to be President is it would give him another government pension to go with the ones he already has so he can stay on the government politician welfare program which he has been on all of his adult life.
    I mean how will Joe survive if he doesn’t receive those pension checks every month and free healthcare for him and his family and 24 hour armed protection for him and his family all paid for by the generosity of the American taxpayer and he and his family won’t have to put up with constantly increasing numbers of illegal criminals entering the country resulting from his and Obama’s legislation.

  7. We definitely do not need 4 or 8 more years of Obama’s presidency and that’s what we would get. If Obama had had a couple more years he would have totally destroyed this country and Biden was helping him do it. He is just another creature in the DC swamp. We don’t want or need him. Just go away, Joe, and take your creepy hands with you.

  8. It was extremely difficult to read that list and keep a straight face until the end then I ROFLMFAO am still holding my sides cause they hurt from LAUGHING so much

  9. I liked the sarcasm, but the language was a bit rough for me. I especially cringed when you dropped the “f” word. Come on, you’re a bigger, better person than that.

  10. I don’t think most people are as worried about Biden fondling Adults as they are ALL THE CHILDREN INVOLVED, We’ve All seen the hands sliding around on little Girls that were trying to Move out of his Grip. Grown Women can turn around and Slap the hell out of him, Children can not. The Parents also need to step up. You noticed how Jeff Sessions slapped Biden’s hand when he started to touch his Granddaughter. Another concern is re: Female Guards posted at his house and came forward about Biden coming outside, when his Wife was away, where they were posted outside by his Pool, He would walk Naked around the Pool. I Don’t Believe any of his Blubbering Reasons. He’s been Sliding Long Enough! NO BIDEN IN THE PEOPLE’S WHITE HOUSE!

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